We raised $25 Million in our series C round of investments. It's time to celebrate! Instead of "international growth", we've come up 25 other ways we can spend our funding. We'll just need to convince the boss that these are good ideas.
Hire P. Diddy to Attend Every Company Party for the Next Quarter Century
It isn’t cheap, but it’s about time we start some company traditions. For roughly $1 million an event, we can have P. Diddy join the AgilOne family at our holiday parties over the next 25 years. He’ll perform a few of his biggest hits, share in the holiday cheer, and tell us how we complete his life. It’s really quite exciting considering the fact that, even 25 years from now, I’ll still enjoy “I’ll Be Missing You”. As a matter of fact, I’m listening to that song right now.
The Magna Carta
Yes, that Magna Carta. In 2007, it sold for $21.3 million. It would make for a great coffee table book.
One Thousand Lions for Eco-Friendly Company Transportation
AgilOne is just around the corner from Google, and everyday we see Googlers riding their fancy Google bicycles all around campus. Lame. At AgilOne, we go big or we go home. And if we do go home, we ride lions. For $25,000 a pop, we can buy an entire fleet of lions to ride around on. Not only are we eco-friendly, we’re kind of bad-ass.
A Dozen 180-Million-Year-Old Bath Tubs
Nothing says fancy like a bathtub as old as the dinosaurs. I’m not sure that there are a dozen of these in existence, but if there were, we would buy them for $1.7 million each.
Two AgilOne Blimps
For about $5 million per blimp and $5 million per hangar, we could have ourselves some serious outbound marketing efforts. Nothing says “buy my stuff” like a giant blimp.
One Thousand Bottles of 100-Year-Old French Champagne from a Sunken Ship: Heidsieck Monopole 1907
Sick and tired of all those bottles of Korbel on New Years Eve? Not me. I prefer the mildly disappointing taste. But, if you’re one of those fancy pants Champagne connoisseurs, we’ve got you covered. In the late 90’s, an underwater search party found a 100-year-old shipwreck containing 2,000 bottles of this French champagne. For $25,000 a bottle, we can buy enough sunken ship champagne to last us till Friday. Maybe.
Twenty Five Parking Spots in Manhattan
Seriously, New York? Seriously? Let’s just hope we don’t decide to park all of our Lions there.
Two Solid Gold Suommo Dodo Egg-Shaped Baby Bassinets
This exclusive billionaire baby bassinet costs $12 million and is hand crafted from solid 24-carat gold. That is some serious money for something they’ll grow out of in a couple years. Whatever, we’re good for the money. We’ll take two please. One for the baby and one for making soup.
Two Dozen Orca Whales
Roughly $1 million will buy you a healthy Orca Whale. So why not? Free Willy all you want. We have plenty.
An AgilOne Island for Misfit Marketers
What self-respecting company would we be if we didn’t buy an island of our own. For only $20 million, we can get our hands on the Broad Keys, a private island in Key Largo, Florida. That means we have about $5 million left to populate the island with lab grown dinosaurs to feature in our very own theme park.
Twelve Hours to Chat with Kristen Stewart
In 2013, a Middle Eastern prince offered the Twilight star $500k for a 15 minute chat. Well, we could buy 12 hours with the frowny brunette if we wanted. Pass.
1,700 Diamond Covered Tea Bags
$14,000 per tea bag. We like tea. What do you want me to say?
A Renaissance Villa Overlooking Florence, Italy
Things are getting a little cramped here in Mountain View. The company is growing quite quickly, and it’s time we talk about a new office. We have been planning to expand internationally, so what better way than buying a $25 million villa in Florence. With 15 acres of country side and our very own vineyard, we’ll take data-driven marketing to a whole new level. I’ve already requested the master bedroom.
Ten Diamond Encrusted Alligator Skin Televisions
I don’t think the TVs in the conference rooms really do the job that well. We need something that pops. Something that will keep my attention during long meetings and presentations. Nothing like a ton of gold, diamonds, alligator skin, and a $25,000 price tag to show people that I’m here to pay attention.
International Space Station Toilet
I’ve always dreamt of being an astronaut. Well at least with the $19 million International Space Station Toilet, I’m one step closer to fulfilling my dream.
Fly the Whole Company into Space
Nothing says team bonding like a trip into the great beyond. Virgin Galactic offers commercial space travel for $250,000 per seat. I think it’s time for a company field trip.
A Five-Century-Old Wine Cup From the Ming Dynasty
A five hundred year old wine cup with chickens painted on it. It will be going to auction in Hong Kong and plans to fetch anywhere between $25 and $35 million. Let’s hope we don’t get outbid. [edit: we were outbid...]
Clone Yourself an Army…of Yourself!
Forbes estimates that it could cost about $1.7 million to clone a human being. More often than not, we just have too much to do in one day. Nothing a half dozen clones wouldn’t help get done. Some of us can do work, some will hang out with the lions, and some will tend to the chocolate fountain.
A Super Yacht That Comes with Its Own Super Car
The Strand Craft 122 super yacht comes with its very own super car and parking station. For $25 million, this is the best way get to and from client meetings.
A Fleet of Flying Cars
Apparently flying cars already exist. For about $350,000 each, we could get our very own fleet of convertible flying cars from Terrafugia. Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.
12-Carat Pink Harry Winston "Space" Diamond
This rare pink diamond sold for 17.4 million and was owned by Harry Winston. He was so amazed that Americans had landed a robot on Mars, that he cut the diamond and named it “Martian”.
25,000 Kilograms of the Worlds Most Expensive Coffee
Kopi Luwak is the worlds most expensive coffee. It cost about $1,000 per kilogram. The best part, it’s made from the poop of a weasel-like animal called the Asian palm civit. It’s a cute little thing, but I’m not sure I could pay that much to drink it’s poo. Well, to each his own.
Two Dozen Bottles of Russo-Baltique Vodka
At $1.3 million per bottle, this better be good vodka. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve had my fair share of Rubinoff. This stuff will do just fine.
Whatever This Thing is
The Haute Joaillerie from Chopard. It’s so sparkly. I’m not entirely sure what it does, but they tell me its suppose to be a watch. It doesn’t matter. We want it and we’ll have it. This glittery ball of time-telling goodness is ours for $25 million. Not a bad deal if you ask me.